Tag Archives: Dumbass Criminals

Dildocular Beat Down!

Best of Dumbass News

Most of are pretty fortunate to have (or had, if she has gone on to her Reward) good Moms.

I, for one, realize that Ma Fearless Leader is a keeper.

I have done some stoopid shit in my life and Ma has always been there for me when other family members and people who I thought were my friends abandoned me like Preznit Stomp Feet has dumped (on) our Constitution.

Don’t get me wrong, Ma FL didn’t always treat me like “Poor Baby Fearless Leader”, she has lit my ass up more times than I care to mention.

Still she did it with love.

And a cast iron skillet to the skull.

Please understand I will tell anyone, anytime to politely “go lick a sweaty swamp donkey’s nut sack”. Including Preznit Head Up His Ass. But not my Mom, the Pope or the Reverend Billy Graham. <— Dumbass News, Rule 1.


There are, however, Dumbasses who, shall we say, have very little respect for their Maternal Parentage. No, we shall say that some Dumbasses need their spleen extracted. Through their asshole. By the Barbed Cock of Satan.


Cara Claffy (say that three times real fast) is just such a Dumbass.

Read the rest…..

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I Don’t: Guy Calls in Bomb Threat to Halt His Wedding!



Best of Dumbass News

Planning a wedding is a difficult proposition.

You’ve gotta line up rings, tuxes, a wedding gown, bridesmaids’ dresses, a caterer, music, a Priest/Minister and most importantly, booze.

Tradition, as I understand it, has the Bride and her chosen co-conspirators helpers doing the heavy lifting on most of these matters.

Sometimes, the Groom takes responsibility for some of the necessary components of the wedding.

This is a bad idea.

very bad idea.

How the hell is a Guy supposed to deal with shit like this? I mean, his mind is probably a thousand miles away from actually taking part in something of this nature. A Groom’s thoughts meander aimlessly from “It would be a great day to go fishing” to “How the fuck am I gonna sober up in time for…for…what was I supposed to be doing today?”

You can see why assigning Necessary Wedding Tasks to a guy who is about to go from a life of drinking beer for breakfast, running around the house in his underwear and scratching his nuts whenever he wants to, to a life of being married and drinking beer for breakfast, running around the house in his underwear and scratching his nuts whenever he wants to, may not be in the best interest of a couple’s nuptials going off as planned, no matter how meticulously things have been strategerized for The Big Day.

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1 Year Ago Today: Bitch Slap a Cop & Quit Smoking!

Best of Dumbass News

We are nothing if not civic-minded at Dumbass News. 

Our support for law enforcement officers in this country is unwavering and irrefutable. We have proven this time after time over the last three and a half years.

Take for instance the time we stood solidly behind a Philadelphia cop who was assaulted by a drunk Dumbass during Oktoberfest last year. This unprovoked attack on one of Philly’s Finest was met with a very provoked Cop Uses Baton to Beat the Dog Shit Out of a Drunk Dumbass Response.

We steadfastly supported the Man in Blue who was viciously beaten about the head and shoulders and upper extremities of his body by a sex toy wielding Mad Woman! I know you’ll find it hard to believe that this Dumbass Dame was drunk at the time of the incident.

Dumbass News was at the forefront of Dumbass Journalism when we brought the horrific story of  three Seattle Police Dudes who were faced with the split second decision that could have meant life or death. Well, OK, not exactly life and death, but they were assailed by a chick with duct taped boobs!

This type of lawlessness must not, and will not, be tolerated!

Unless it’s Dumbass News -worthy! 

Which leads us to today’s story.

Read the rest…..

Homicide By Hooters!

Breast Best of Dumbass News

Boobs.

Knockers.

Hooters.

Hammers.

Tits.

Sweater puppies.

Whatever we choose to call them, female mammary glands are a mainstay topic here at Dumbass News.

From the lingerie saleslady that was fired from her job because her heat seekers were too big to the stoopid broad who used her breast implants to smuggle cocaine, we’ve had a grip boobs news like no other web site in the world for four and a half years.

Despite the wide range and sheer volume of stories about ta-tas on this blog, new boobies stories come to our attention every day, none odder than the one we’ll cover today.

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Dumbass Sports Headlines!

Best of Dumbass News

Welcome, Ladies and Gentlemen, to the Worldwide Leader in Dumbass Sports! 

We did not become the Number 1 Dumbass Sports Site in the Known Universe by accident.

No!

We became the Number 1 Dumbass Sports Site in the Known Universe by default!

Honestly, do you really think that there is another Dumbass out there who actually gives a shit about Dumbass Sports such as The North American Wife Carrying Championships

Or The Event Formerly Known as the Redneck Olympic Games?

Hell. No!

We’re Number 1 (by default)! We’re Number 1 (by default)!

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Dumbass Sports Headlines


Pron On the Linx!

The Result of Two Guys Acing the Same Hole



Who Says Baseball Isn’t a Physical Sport?




How Careless of Him



Bummer



Ball Control



Headless Horseman of Notre Dame


Not Quite Measuring Up



Monica, Is That You?



Dumbasses.

 

Dumbass Uses Fake Gun in Robbery, Gets Shot With Real Gun!

Best of Dumbass News

The 2nd Amendment to the Constitution of the United States reads thusly: “a well-regulated militia, being necessary to the security of a free state, the right of the people to keep and bear arms shall not be infringed”. 

A bank employee in Trimble, Missouri recently exercised his 2nd Amendment rights when some Dumbass tried to rob the First Security Bank.

The Thinker 

Michael Oliva is one of those Dumbasses who on occasion comes up with a brilliant idea. And by “brilliant” I of course mean “stoopid as fuck”.

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Paying the Water Bill With Narcotics!

Here we are smack dab in the middle of February.

That means that a scant few days ago Mrs. Fearless Leader confiscated my debit card and did what tens of millions of other Americans also did.

She paid the bills.

While paying by debit or credit card is a preferred method of compensation for debt/bill payment by virtually every retailer or service provider in the country, some Dumbasses try alternative measures when settling up with their landlord, utility company or lien holder.

For example….this one Dumbass wanted to help his girlfriend pay her past due rent. So, he wrote her landlord a check to cover it, right?

Wrong.

Read the rest…..