Tag Archives: Dumbass

Dumbass Sports: Midget Tossing While Drunk!

Best of Dumbass News

Physically speaking, I am a small man.

Some Dumbasses would say the same about my mental capabilities and character too.

The ones who carry these ludicrous thoughts around with themselves are either

  • 1) Liberals or
  • 2) Those who wish to dethrone me as The Fearless Leader of the Dumbass Horde.

Let me tell you sons of motherless goats in Group 2 that it ain’t gonna happen.

As far as Liberals go, I ain’t skeered of a bunch of sissies who want to turn the USA into Fwance. What a perfect match. The Fwench wouldn’t fight to save their own mothers and Liberals won’t work to save their own mothers. Knowing that, I’m pretty sure that my reign as The Fearless Leader of the Dumbass Horde is safe.

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midget

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1 Year Ago Today: Sterile Guy Pays Neighbor to Knock Up His Wife!

Best of Dumbass News

Neighbors.

You can’t live without ’em and you can’t shoot ’em.

I have been thinking about the virtues and vices of having neighbors over the last week or so.

Why?

I’ll tell you why.

There’s a lady and her 12 year old son who have lived next door to us for two years. Two years to the day as a matter of fact. They are good neighbors. The lady is very nice, if shy and the boy is a good, respectful kid. My family and I like them a lot. But, today they are moving. It’s kind of sad really.

My wife is a great cook and she’s forever in the kitchen coming up with something delicious for us and our neighbors.

For example, last summer we had an outstanding little garden in which we grew a ton of mondo, and I mean mondo, zoo-keeny. Heather (Mrs. Fearless Leader), made several batches of zoo-keeny bread and shared it with many, if not all, of the neighbors that live in our building. The Lady and the Kid Next Door were no exception. In return, the lady next door would, on occasion, do something nice for us in return. Just like it should be.

I wish them luck and happiness in their new home. They were good neighbors and we’ll miss them.

Having said all that, there’s a guy in Stuttgart, Germany that has to be The Best Neighbor in the History of Mankind, or for brevity’s sake, TBNITHOM. Even better, let’s just call him TBN for The Best Neighbor.

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Behind the 8 Ball: Smoking Meth at WalMart – After Being Busted for Shoplifting!

Best of Dumbass News

Low Prices…..and Meth, Every Day

Over time, I have written some crazy stories about the comings and goings at Wal Mart. I went back through the Dumbass News archives looking for such tales and three popped up right away.

First, there’s the emotional story of a pregnant lady who went into labor while at the local Wally World – while shoplifting! Truly a magical moment.

Then came an anecdote of a dedicated Wal Mart employee who loved his job as a greeter so much that he finished his shift one night and came back a little while later only to rob the store! I guess his 401K was a little anemic.

Our third allegory involves a hungry person. A person so hungry that he felt compelled to have a picnic at Wal Mart. In the Ladies rest room! S.O.S., anyone? S.O.S. meaninmg Shit On Shingles. Hey, the buffet was ready made. I’m just sayin’.

As stoopid as these stories are, none of them comes close to the latest episode of As Wal Mart Turns for Dumbassery and dumbfuckery.

This is where the “meth” part comes in.

Read the rest…..

Automobile Arson Using a Flaming Tampon!

From the “Just When You Think Things Couldn’t Get Weirder But They Do Department”. 

There has been some really strange stuff posted on Dumbass News over the life of the blog, and just when you think it’ll be a while before you see anything more stoopid than what’s already been posted, a dumbass from somewhere in the world will do something that leaves you in disbelief.

Think about it. Just yesterday I wrote a story about a Los Angeles cop who appeared in a porn movie. While on duty and in uniform! At the time I thought “This is gonna be tough to top. I may be waiting for months before a story this good comes along again.” I was wrong. It took a whole day for it to happen. A whole stinkin’ twenty four hours!

Add to the cop in the XXX movie stories about a guy who doo doo dives in port-o-potties, a drunk female dumbass who attacked a cop with a sex toy and a mailman who wanted to cheer a young lady up by delivering her mail while neekid and you barely scratch the surface of the Dumbassery that has appeared on these pixels.

As a former Professional Drinker, I can tell you with great certainty that booze can make people do some stoopid shit. I have done some of it myself and I have witnessed enough Drunken Dumbassery to write a dozen books. You gotta trust me on this one. 🙂

Case in point: two Young Dumbasses in Pennsylvania got into some sort of bullshit with a friend of theirs on Facebook. Upon determining that the girl in this pair had been wronged in some way by the Facebook Guy, our Dynamic Duo of Dumbassery decided that some sort of retribution for this perceived offense was in order for Facebook Guy. So they went looking for him. And found him. At a bar.

What could possibly go wrong?

Weeeeelllll, let me tell you…

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t2

 

 

Suckage: 1 Year Ago Today: Dumbass Siphons Sewage, Not Gas, From R V!

Best of Dumbass News

Over the last several months Dumbass News’ readership has grown exponentially. For all you Dumbasses in L. A. (Lost Anal Ease), that means “a lot more people” have started reading this blog. And that doesn’t even include the Dumbasses from Chi-town who just stop by to look at the pretty pictures.

It is for the newer Dumbasses that I bring back one of the funniest (and most popular!) stories in the History of Dumbass News!

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6d55b-bewareofdumbassahead

Boyfriend Won’t Give You “Some”? Beat His Ass!

WARNING! Probably NSFW! Be On The Lookout for the Boss!

Yearning for Freedom…And BOB

S-E-X.

Three little letters with such a profound meaning.

Or result.

Or consequences.

Or something.

“Normal” people, and Dumbasses too, need, want and crave sex. Having said that, however, there are limits to which a Dumbass (including for the sake of brevity and my poor typing skillz, henceforth, “normal” people too) wanting to get laid must adhere to. Period.

There’s another small but powerful word for sexual overtures that are either unwanted or unwelcome. That word is RAPE. Unless you are a sexual deviant, or from Iran, but I digress, non consensual sex is a no no.


End of story. 

No ifs, ands or unwanted spankings.

99.999999999% of criminal complaints about forced sex have men as the perpetrator. There are, however, some rare cases that involve women as the aggressor in these situations. Yes, I’m looking at you sex-starved hottie school teachers who coerce some lucky 16 year old bastard poor young man into a game of hide the Teenie Weenie with promises of better grades at school and daily blowjobs.

Today’s story is one in which the young lady is the horny bimbo going to extreme measures in order to do the Horizontal Hula.

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Key to FLA Motel’s Success? Nekkididity!

Best of Dumbass News

Desperate times call for desperate measures.

The economic funk that has engulfed the country over the last few years (how’s that hope and change workin’ out for you?) has hit some industries harder than others. My guess is that the travel industry is being hit hard. I mean the price of a gallon of gas here in Maine is hovering between $3.50 and $4. I am not and economist, but that’s gotta hurt a lot of bidness owners, especially the restaurant and hotel type deals.

That’s exactly what has happened to a hotel owner in Florida. The economic downtown had him on the brink of shutting down his bidness. Then’ like a good American during tough times, he came up with a solution to his problem.

Go nekkid!

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