Tag Archives: Odd News

2 Years Ago Today: Thief Uses I D to Buy Beer From Lady She Stole I D From!

Best of Dumbass News


Thanks to my long time friend Matt Vaughn in Texas, today we are breaking new ground in the sink hole that is Dumbass News. I’ve come to expect stuff like this from Matt because he is one of the biggest Dumbasses I know. I must admit, however, that I am a bit jealous of Matt. And by “jealous” I of course mean that I would pay an exorbitant amount of money to one of my wife’s Eye-talian uncles  (Sicilian, naturally) to put Young Matthew to “sleep with the fishes”, IYKWIMAITYD. This would be easy to accomplish because my buddy Matt lives near one of my old fishing holes, Lake Ray Hubbard. This is one of the reasons I am jealous of my friend – because he lives so damn near the lake. Another reason I am envious of Matt is because he has a Harley and I don’t. Having said all this, you can easily see why Matthew deserves a fate of nothing less than becoming catfish food.

So, Matt, if you wake up one morning with a severed horse head in your bed, it’s nothing personal, bro. It’s just bidness.

Read the rest……

 

Advertisements

Dumbass Sports: Midget Tossing While Drunk!

Best of Dumbass News

Physically speaking, I am a small man.

Some Dumbasses would say the same about my mental capabilities and character too.

The ones who carry these ludicrous thoughts around with themselves are either

  • 1) Liberals or
  • 2) Those who wish to dethrone me as The Fearless Leader of the Dumbass Horde.

Let me tell you sons of motherless goats in Group 2 that it ain’t gonna happen.

As far as Liberals go, I ain’t skeered of a bunch of sissies who want to turn the USA into Fwance. What a perfect match. The Fwench wouldn’t fight to save their own mothers and Liberals won’t work to save their own mothers. Knowing that, I’m pretty sure that my reign as The Fearless Leader of the Dumbass Horde is safe.

Read the rest….

midget

Dildocular Beat Down!

Best of Dumbass News

Most of are pretty fortunate to have (or had, if she has gone on to her Reward) good Moms.

I, for one, realize that Ma Fearless Leader is a keeper.

I have done some stoopid shit in my life and Ma has always been there for me when other family members and people who I thought were my friends abandoned me like Preznit Stomp Feet has dumped (on) our Constitution.

Don’t get me wrong, Ma FL didn’t always treat me like “Poor Baby Fearless Leader”, she has lit my ass up more times than I care to mention.

Still she did it with love.

And a cast iron skillet to the skull.

Please understand I will tell anyone, anytime to politely “go lick a sweaty swamp donkey’s nut sack”. Including Preznit Head Up His Ass. But not my Mom, the Pope or the Reverend Billy Graham. <— Dumbass News, Rule 1.


There are, however, Dumbasses who, shall we say, have very little respect for their Maternal Parentage. No, we shall say that some Dumbasses need their spleen extracted. Through their asshole. By the Barbed Cock of Satan.


Cara Claffy (say that three times real fast) is just such a Dumbass.

Read the rest…..

I Don’t: Guy Calls in Bomb Threat to Halt His Wedding!



Best of Dumbass News

Planning a wedding is a difficult proposition.

You’ve gotta line up rings, tuxes, a wedding gown, bridesmaids’ dresses, a caterer, music, a Priest/Minister and most importantly, booze.

Tradition, as I understand it, has the Bride and her chosen co-conspirators helpers doing the heavy lifting on most of these matters.

Sometimes, the Groom takes responsibility for some of the necessary components of the wedding.

This is a bad idea.

very bad idea.

How the hell is a Guy supposed to deal with shit like this? I mean, his mind is probably a thousand miles away from actually taking part in something of this nature. A Groom’s thoughts meander aimlessly from “It would be a great day to go fishing” to “How the fuck am I gonna sober up in time for…for…what was I supposed to be doing today?”

You can see why assigning Necessary Wedding Tasks to a guy who is about to go from a life of drinking beer for breakfast, running around the house in his underwear and scratching his nuts whenever he wants to, to a life of being married and drinking beer for breakfast, running around the house in his underwear and scratching his nuts whenever he wants to, may not be in the best interest of a couple’s nuptials going off as planned, no matter how meticulously things have been strategerized for The Big Day.

Read the rest…..

1 Year Ago Today: Sterile Guy Pays Neighbor to Knock Up His Wife!

Best of Dumbass News

Neighbors.

You can’t live without ’em and you can’t shoot ’em.

I have been thinking about the virtues and vices of having neighbors over the last week or so.

Why?

I’ll tell you why.

There’s a lady and her 12 year old son who have lived next door to us for two years. Two years to the day as a matter of fact. They are good neighbors. The lady is very nice, if shy and the boy is a good, respectful kid. My family and I like them a lot. But, today they are moving. It’s kind of sad really.

My wife is a great cook and she’s forever in the kitchen coming up with something delicious for us and our neighbors.

For example, last summer we had an outstanding little garden in which we grew a ton of mondo, and I mean mondo, zoo-keeny. Heather (Mrs. Fearless Leader), made several batches of zoo-keeny bread and shared it with many, if not all, of the neighbors that live in our building. The Lady and the Kid Next Door were no exception. In return, the lady next door would, on occasion, do something nice for us in return. Just like it should be.

I wish them luck and happiness in their new home. They were good neighbors and we’ll miss them.

Having said all that, there’s a guy in Stuttgart, Germany that has to be The Best Neighbor in the History of Mankind, or for brevity’s sake, TBNITHOM. Even better, let’s just call him TBN for The Best Neighbor.

Read the rest……

1 Year Ago Today: Bitch Slap a Cop & Quit Smoking!

Best of Dumbass News

We are nothing if not civic-minded at Dumbass News. 

Our support for law enforcement officers in this country is unwavering and irrefutable. We have proven this time after time over the last three and a half years.

Take for instance the time we stood solidly behind a Philadelphia cop who was assaulted by a drunk Dumbass during Oktoberfest last year. This unprovoked attack on one of Philly’s Finest was met with a very provoked Cop Uses Baton to Beat the Dog Shit Out of a Drunk Dumbass Response.

We steadfastly supported the Man in Blue who was viciously beaten about the head and shoulders and upper extremities of his body by a sex toy wielding Mad Woman! I know you’ll find it hard to believe that this Dumbass Dame was drunk at the time of the incident.

Dumbass News was at the forefront of Dumbass Journalism when we brought the horrific story of  three Seattle Police Dudes who were faced with the split second decision that could have meant life or death. Well, OK, not exactly life and death, but they were assailed by a chick with duct taped boobs!

This type of lawlessness must not, and will not, be tolerated!

Unless it’s Dumbass News -worthy! 

Which leads us to today’s story.

Read the rest…..

Dumbass Employment Fair: Dumbass Job Hunting Tips!

Our country is in a helluva mess these days. We are $18 Trillion (that’s 18 followed by twelve zeros) in the hole with an unemployment  rate officially listed at around 6%. With millions of Americans now so discouraged that they are no longer looking for work, the real jobless figure is in the neighborhood of 18% according to some economists.

These statistics indicate that it’s a very competitive market for job seekers. Too many seekers, not enough jobs.

I am retired so pounding the pavement in search of employment is not high on my list of priorities. However, I am very concerned for my fellow Dumbasses who are looking to rejoin the work force, desperately seeking a way out of Mommy’s basement a source of steady income (other than dealing meth that is).

Read the rest…..